breathe for a second.

self assurance. know your worth. take your time. you’re amazing. 

appreciate what you have, work for what you want. pray for guidance, strength, and patience. 

Lord I feel like I’m constantly trying to get things on my own without asking for your help or approval which is probably why they aren’t going my way. aha good one, I’m learning I swear.

pray for me.

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Well then …

I swear being a student and working full time is so unrealistic for how my future is going to look but what can I do ? It just bothers me hearing students who don’t work, their tuition paid (not by OSAP), and/or they don’t even make an effort in school try to complain to me .

No my dear , no silver spoons at this table . I work hard for my money, I do the best I can in school, and I take care of my family in any and every way that I can .

I’ll never forget having a convo with these girls in my program back in first year and we were talking about how much of a struggle it is to be in school at our age and talking about how “broke” we were . At that time in my life I thought my broke was the same as any other student and I thought we would be able to relate … Nope .
note to 17 year old self: do not discuss your finances with people !

Anyways they were talking about how broke they were and how they don’t know how they will make it , but one girl just said she was going to buy a pair of $300 jeans later that day … Girl say what ? Mind you , I was working part time in first year , my paychecks we’re not that much more than 300$ … What in the world are you blowing a whole paycheck on jeans for ?! Smh . The icing on the cake was when I settled with buying a slice of pizza for lunch and they bought the most expensive lunches … We are not the same . And it sucks that I learned it that way . My broke is no joke .

I guess just the point of this rant is , don’t compare my life to yours and don’t tell me how I should be able to handle my financial situation because you aren’t in my shoes .

Aside

The Road I’m On

I feel like this road to bettering myself as a person and as a Christian is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to overcome . Everyday is a challenge . I’m nowhere close to where I aspire to be but I feel that I have made progress .

I started going to bible study once a week with my home girl and I definitely gotta say I’m proud of us … We had to stop due to work schedules and personal business but it started getting me into the habit of taking the time to get in touch with God . But we tried, I mean how many people are in my life right now would join me in bible study ? Not as many as the amount of people that would come with me to the club that’s for sure lol . But that’s fine , I don’t take that personally because this is a decision I made on my own . If my friends want to do the same then I’m definitely bout it bout itttttttt .

That’s another thing . I don’t ever want the people in my life to think that through my decisions I expect them to do the same right away . I talk to my friends about God but it’s up to them what they want to do with their lives . I just gotta live through example . Do I go out ? Yes . Does that make me a bad person ? I don’t think so but I know a few people who would say otherwise . Does that matter to me ? No . This isn’t “My Journey to being a better person featuring so and so” this is MY journey and if I make a mistake it’s on me . I learn from it and I try not to repeat it again .

Someone asked me what made me decide to finally get baptized and get back into the Word . Well ….

A few months back my mom and I were just having a mommy and daughter conversation and talking about my future and where I wanna be in life . Now my mom is my rock , though she aggravates me sometimes she is always there for me . Being the spiritual person she is , she was talking to me about my relationship with God and how non existent its become … Now I’m horrible at taking redirection so I took it in a negative way but it’s true … But I was thinking well how can I better my relationship with Him and she suggested that I get baptized . 0_o whoa . I always thought that getting saved was for people that were basically perfect “no spot or wrinkle” and I was way off from that so I put that whole idea off . Then a month or so later my mom brought it up again and reassured me that no one is perfect ; Saved Christians aren’t perfect either . Then voila , October 27th I got baptized . Pretty cool experience … literally . The water was freezing man . But I felt good after .

Another factor that got me to get baptized was the Second Coming . Now I’m like seriously slow because I never knew this would ever happen  *yikes* . But in Revelations the Bible talks about the times of the world getting seriously bad and Jesus coming again for His people . When my mom told me that I brushed it off because I thought she was crazy smh . Then for the next few weeks she would wake me up in the middle of the night and show me a video clips on YouTube by different people talking about the same subject but one that stuck out for me the most is a man named Lonnie Mackley . He’s such a meek man and he’s so inspiring . But after knowing this it was hard for me to just sit back and continue living how I used to live knowing that I may not go to heaven . People joke about it but honestly , I’m not tryna go to hell lol … Though I don’t have my one way ticket to heaven yet , hopefully before my time is up on this Earth I will have earned it .

Being Saved in my eyes is basically signing a contract with God saying that you will try your hardest to be the best Christian you can be . As my bible study teacher said , “if you wanna be a better person before you get baptized then what do you need God for ?” He’s here to help me get to where I need to be , I know I wouldn’t be able to make it without Him . I feel the pressures every single day ! Sometimes I fail … Sometimes I pass . It’s just an ongoing journey for me .

Man I have really been writing this post for the past few days … I’ll look at it and then save the draft and then walk away . I think it’s because I’m kinda nervous about a post like this . A lot of people look at the fact that I got baptized or even tweet a rare bible scripture and are like =/ … But I’m slowly learning not to care . *pumps fist in the air*

Happy Sabbath ya’ll xo .